The Fourth

Tuesday Shmuesday-

I drove up to Santa Barbara today to check out the fire damage.  It's pretty bad.  As we drove up our old street there was house after house, block after block, of destroyed homes.  It put quiet the damper on this already rainy afternoon.  When we got to our old house only ashes were left.  The entire house had burned down; leaving the concrete foundation and driveway behind.  Joe and I sifted through mangled kitchen appliances, twisted metal, and other unidentifiable knick nacks trying to salvage something. Of everything in the house we found two forks and a metal chain we used to hold up our hammock.  Everything else was either gnarled metal, or ash.

It's an interesting feeling.  Before I visited the site my memories were so much clearer, and now they seem a bit foggy.  I never really felt attached to the place, but now that its gone a part of you wishes that it was still there.  I'm almost positive I would have never set foot in that house again, but just knowing that it was still there would have been nice.  I took a bunch of pictures, and when I get home I'll put them up.

Ok well onto some happier thoughts.  I've decided that I like the wacky news bit, and Im going to keep it up. Also I've decided to add a douche bag of the day award in honor of Phil Defranco.

Story #1 Chocolate Jesus is "tasteless"

A German chocolatier is selling chocolate Jesus', and the Church isn't happy about it.  "It is terrible that Jesus is being wrapped in gold foil and sold along with chocolate bunnies, edible penguins and lollipops." said some Catholic guy.  Really? Really?  I'm not sure what to think here.  I mean commericalizing religion is wrong, and nobody would ever think of doing that.  We would never make a sermon into a big budget cable television production.  Never... Christians would never think of selling bobblehead Jesus' or little Jesus gimmicks. Nope.  This guy making chocolate Jesus' must be the devil himself!  Well, now that I think about it...he may be spreading the gospel.  I mean, here is a chocolate Jesus.  We can eat him, just like the Eucharist right? Oh, and he's hanging out with edible penguins and lollipops, which everyone knows as the whorish sinner candies.  Jesus surrounded himself with the harlots and sinners, and I think this chocolatier is sending a message.  This chocolate Jesus won't be seen with the Ghirardelli chocolates, or Donnelly chocolate..no siree. Jesus is with those skanky sloote bag edible penguins, and the naughty lolli's.

Quick thought: Haven't penguins always been edible? Well, to polar bears at least.

Story #2- Kid Arrested for Farting in Class

NO WAY! This is awesome.  A kid was arrested in Florida for farting in class, and turning off a kids computer.  He was arrested for "continually breaking wind".  That has to be the funniest thing I have ever heard.  I wonder how bad his farts were.  Honestly, if you get arrested for farting they must smell absolutely awful. So much so that they put other people in danger.  That's like a magical power.  Soon the FBI will get wind of his farts, and place him into some kind of testing.  He'll become super powerful, and they'll be able to harness is poo gas stench to fight terrorism.  No more bombing, just an unleashing of this kids asshole on all the tunnels around Afghanistan. Take that Osama.

Story #3- Panda's Kick Ass

A 20 yr old in China was mauled by a panda.  The young man climber over a 6.5 ft. fence, down into the enclosure, and the was miraculously mauled when he tried to hug the panda.  What a jackass.  Are you serious? I may have just been born yesterday, but I'm pretty damn sure that a 6.5 ft. fence says "Stay the fuck out". How does that ever make sense to anyone? This isn't a petting zoo, or a hugging zoo, this is a zoo zoo.  This is where ferocious animals are put into enclosures so you can look, not hug dumbass.  I hope this kid receives a Darwin Award for nearly removing his stupid panda hugging genes from the gene pool.  In fact I'm sure this is the only person in history dumb enough to drown in a gene pool. 

Sadly, this guy isn't our douche bag of the day.  No no, there is someone much worse.  In India, the government has decided to expunge the records of a previously married couple.  Turns out the couple didn't make it after the arranged marriage couldn't be consumated.  Why?  Because this chick had boils on her face and the husband couldn't get it up.  Really? You don't think this guys dad would have figured out that boils on the face are a problem! That's why this guys dad is our douche bag of the day, for hooking his son up with a chick who has boils on her face.

Mazel tof.