The Fourth

Tuesday Shmuesday-

I drove up to Santa Barbara today to check out the fire damage.  It's pretty bad.  As we drove up our old street there was house after house, block after block, of destroyed homes.  It put quiet the damper on this already rainy afternoon.  When we got to our old house only ashes were left.  The entire house had burned down; leaving the concrete foundation and driveway behind.  Joe and I sifted through mangled kitchen appliances, twisted metal, and other unidentifiable knick nacks trying to salvage something. Of everything in the house we found two forks and a metal chain we used to hold up our hammock.  Everything else was either gnarled metal, or ash.

It's an interesting feeling.  Before I visited the site my memories were so much clearer, and now they seem a bit foggy.  I never really felt attached to the place, but now that its gone a part of you wishes that it was still there.  I'm almost positive I would have never set foot in that house again, but just knowing that it was still there would have been nice.  I took a bunch of pictures, and when I get home I'll put them up.

Ok well onto some happier thoughts.  I've decided that I like the wacky news bit, and Im going to keep it up. Also I've decided to add a douche bag of the day award in honor of Phil Defranco.

Story #1 Chocolate Jesus is "tasteless"

A German chocolatier is selling chocolate Jesus', and the Church isn't happy about it.  "It is terrible that Jesus is being wrapped in gold foil and sold along with chocolate bunnies, edible penguins and lollipops." said some Catholic guy.  Really? Really?  I'm not sure what to think here.  I mean commericalizing religion is wrong, and nobody would ever think of doing that.  We would never make a sermon into a big budget cable television production.  Never... Christians would never think of selling bobblehead Jesus' or little Jesus gimmicks. Nope.  This guy making chocolate Jesus' must be the devil himself!  Well, now that I think about it...he may be spreading the gospel.  I mean, here is a chocolate Jesus.  We can eat him, just like the Eucharist right? Oh, and he's hanging out with edible penguins and lollipops, which everyone knows as the whorish sinner candies.  Jesus surrounded himself with the harlots and sinners, and I think this chocolatier is sending a message.  This chocolate Jesus won't be seen with the Ghirardelli chocolates, or Donnelly chocolate..no siree. Jesus is with those skanky sloote bag edible penguins, and the naughty lolli's.

Quick thought: Haven't penguins always been edible? Well, to polar bears at least.

Story #2- Kid Arrested for Farting in Class

NO WAY! This is awesome.  A kid was arrested in Florida for farting in class, and turning off a kids computer.  He was arrested for "continually breaking wind".  That has to be the funniest thing I have ever heard.  I wonder how bad his farts were.  Honestly, if you get arrested for farting they must smell absolutely awful. So much so that they put other people in danger.  That's like a magical power.  Soon the FBI will get wind of his farts, and place him into some kind of testing.  He'll become super powerful, and they'll be able to harness is poo gas stench to fight terrorism.  No more bombing, just an unleashing of this kids asshole on all the tunnels around Afghanistan. Take that Osama.

Story #3- Panda's Kick Ass

A 20 yr old in China was mauled by a panda.  The young man climber over a 6.5 ft. fence, down into the enclosure, and the was miraculously mauled when he tried to hug the panda.  What a jackass.  Are you serious? I may have just been born yesterday, but I'm pretty damn sure that a 6.5 ft. fence says "Stay the fuck out". How does that ever make sense to anyone? This isn't a petting zoo, or a hugging zoo, this is a zoo zoo.  This is where ferocious animals are put into enclosures so you can look, not hug dumbass.  I hope this kid receives a Darwin Award for nearly removing his stupid panda hugging genes from the gene pool.  In fact I'm sure this is the only person in history dumb enough to drown in a gene pool. 

Sadly, this guy isn't our douche bag of the day.  No no, there is someone much worse.  In India, the government has decided to expunge the records of a previously married couple.  Turns out the couple didn't make it after the arranged marriage couldn't be consumated.  Why?  Because this chick had boils on her face and the husband couldn't get it up.  Really? You don't think this guys dad would have figured out that boils on the face are a problem! That's why this guys dad is our douche bag of the day, for hooking his son up with a chick who has boils on her face.

Mazel tof.

The Third

Hallo Hallo-

So I've decided to do whatever today, and we'll see what happens.  First thing is first...my allergies.  Over the last few years I noticed that I had become allergic to dogs, so while at my doctor's (which in reality is still my pediatrician because I don't have a big boy doctor...go ahead.  Laugh it up suckers.) I mentioned this and she decided to see what else I was allergic to.  Here is a complete blood test of the things I'm allergic to:

1. Dog Dander

2. Cockroach

3. Alder

4. Mountain Cedar

5. Oliver Tree

6. Walnut Tree

7. Cottonwood

8. Oak

9. Elm

10. White Mulberry

11. Bermuda Grass

12. Timothy Grass

13. Johnson Grass

14. Common Ragweed

15. Mugwort

16. Russin Thistle

17. Rough Pigweed

18. Peanuts

19. Wheat

20. Walnut

21. Soybeans

22. Corn

23. Scallop

24. Seasame Seeds

This isn't a joke.  I'm not exaggerating.  I am really allergic to all of these things, and JUST found out.  They must have gotten my blood mixed up with some nerds blood, because I am NOT one of those kids that runs around being allergic to everything.  My highest allergy is grass (Timothy Grass- 19.60 which is considered a Very High Level allergy).  I just don't know what to do when I go to a real doctor and they ask me my allergies, "Well Doc take a seat...have you got 20 minutes and a notebook?"  I might as well tack joy, happiness, manhood, and fun onto my allergy list as things I'm allergic to now.  BULLSHIT!

Well, I liked the news bit yesterday and I found a few more stories last night.  Here's what caught my attention:

Story#1- Mafia Man too fat for prison

This story comes from Rome and finally I feel vindicated as an American.  We can make fat jokes about Rome as well as the South now. Apparently this guy (weighing in at 462) has been moved to four different prisons, can't find a bed big enough, can't fit through the bathroom doors, and has to be dressed.  They moved him to house arrest especially because they said that if there were an emergency they wouldn't be able to get his fat ass to a hospital. 

Story #2- Stray bullet stopped by cell phone in mans chest pocket.

What?! This is crazy.  Supposed a Razor stopped a stray .45 caliber bullet from entering a mans chest, and I'm pissed about it.  First of all, where the hell did a stray .45 bullet come from?! Did that shit just magically appear, and just so happen to be aimed right at his chest? NO.  This guy is an idiot because his neighbor shot him, and he thinks it came from his lawnmower...no joke. Now to what pissed me off.  I had to go through 4 different Razors because they sucked and broke without warning..all the time.  How the fuck did a Razor stop a .45 caliber bullet?! This is some serious bullshit.  I didn't want to stop bullet...I just wanted to make a damn phone call. I hate you Motorola.

Alright Kiddies..thats all for now. 

The Second

Yes yes, I know.  It's 8:46 am as I start this entry, and you might be wondering...why is a kid without a job up this early? I have no idea! Well I do...but I wish I didn't.  My mom called to see if I would walk with her, and I'd like to but I hurt my foot running last night so I can't, but I would if I could. Anyway, I grabbed some coffee and headed to cnn.com to see what was news today! I was completely disappointed.  So I've decided to write the majority of this blog about crappy reporting, and if I think its funny enough it'll continue.  Here we go:

Story #1 is about Elliot Spitzer's Prostitute apologizing to his wife.....through a nationally published magazine (People)! "She says she was stricken with the pained expression on Slida Wall Spitzer's face".  She goes on to say the Spitzer was polite and businesslike when they met. 'Some guys, they want to have conversations and really get to know each other.  With him, it clearly was not like that," she said, "It was more of a transaction.  Strictly business."

Ok ok listen up whore.  You worked as a blue chip prostitute, and now you have a conscience?! I'm not saying this is all her fault, but she was in the business of secretly wrecking families.  Now she's bringing it back up again (just when most of us began to forget), and she's making it worse!  Telling his wife that it was all about the sex, and that it was more like a "transaction" doesn't make it any better!  It makes him look like a womanizer, impersonal, or a sex addict of some kind.  It doesn't help. If for some magical miracle she has forgiven him, or they are trying to work things out, you just F***ed it all up again. Scratch that, its my blog and I'll say fucked if I want.  You just fucked it up again!  Listen I know that you are trying to put your whorish ways behind you, and get a job in the music career, but instead of again whoring yourself metaphorically for a publicity stunt, why don't you disappear and leave this poor family alone.  Im not saying that Elliot Spitzer is a victim (even though I'm sure most politicians have strayed a little bit, and he may have been targeted for a reason), I am saying that the rest of his family is trying to cope with an unfaithful lover, an unfaithful father, and now a whore who needs some fame.

Writers note:  I'm only calling her a whore because she is one. It's like calling someone's dog a bitch, it may seem mean, but really it's just precise vocabulary.

I should have just posted this link and left it at that:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2008/11/20/issues.spitzer.dupree.cnn

'nough said.

Story #2 Japanese doctor's are using stem cells to help augment breasts.

Are you kidding!?  How superficial has the world gotten.  Sure China may be filled with red skinned, black hearted commies, but at least they are using stem cell research to cure people with spine injuries.  Japan however is taking the time to do research on boob jobs.  Wow Japan.

Story #3 Bill Maher's documentary Religulous didn't make the Oscar list.

Aha! That proves it...Hollywood is full of atheists, just like Bill said! Oh wait..then the movie would have made onto the list. So, either it didn't make it because Hollywood wanted to prove a point, or it didn't make it because it sucked.  It sucked.  Thanks for nothing Maher.

Story #4 Pirates!

I love this.  I guess some Somalia-based pirates have been hijacking ships.  Fuck ya!  Now if someone calls you a pirate it's because they actually exist again, and not because music and movie companies have dubbed you a pirate if you "steal" their music.  Which is a complete croc of shit because its not stealing.  Listen, if someone said, "hey I have a 1953 Belair Station Wagon in perfect condition, and I normally it would cost a bunch of money for me to sell it to you, orrrrr you can just go online and make a copy of mine."  What would you do? Thats right, you're a "pirate" too.  Anyway, there are real pirates again! This is badass.  Sure sure people are being held hostage, and maybe people are dying but nevermind that. Pirates are back, and from Somalia of all places..

Story #5 Cops Taser pallbear at his father's funeral.

This has to be the worst policing I have ever heard of.  The cops show up to his father's funeral, and then taser him as he is loading the casket into the hearse. During the "scuffle" one of the cops guns fell out of the holster.  These guys are classic douche bags.  I don't care what the guy is guilty of, you don't arrest him at his own father's funeral, especially if he is in the middle of loading the casket into the hearse.  These cops are such assholes that in front of his entire family they attacked him.  You know why these guys didn't mind doing it at the funeral?  My assumption, and I'll assure you this is a poor one, is that they both have two daddies.  Yep, mommy left daddy for another man, and the kid grew up hating his father.  After being forced to listen to The Village People, Queen, and Elton John the kid had to overcompensate for his father.  He played football in highschool, was the big shit around town, and didn't want to stop being an asshole so he decided to be a cop so he can be dick his whole life.  Like I said, poor assumption, but that just really pissed me off. 

Story #6 Man uses sandwich to assault girlfriend

How funny is this.  Every sexist sandwich joke just came rushing through my mind as I read this story. A 19-year old was arrested for hitting his girlfriend in the face with a club sandwich.  She then lost control of the car and almost got into an accident. The kid was charged with Asalted Breadery. God that joke sucked. 

Story #7 Woman is being threatened over 1-cent bill

A 74-year old BLIND woman is being threatened by the city unless she pays her 1 cent water bill.  Are you kidding! To that woman 1 cent is an entire chocolate malt at the corner store.  She can buy 5 whole candy pinwheels for one cent! If she's going to make that kind of money, her and Huck Finn are going to have to white wash every fence in town! Oh...its the year 2008?  Oh...stamps cost 42 cents? The city had to mail that right?  Hmm...so they just spent 42 cents, to get 1 cent.  Oh plus the labor cost of mailing it, and the cost of the paper? So the city of Attleboro, Mass. is retarded?  Oh ok...so Attleboro, Mass is the reason for our national deficit?  Plus the woman is blind, and unless they sent in brail, and if she just so happens to know brail, she wouldn't know she owned anything. Oh ok.  Fuck you Attleboro.  

Story # 8 Hand model, magician sues over snipped finger.

Basically put, a guy who is a hand model lost the tip of one of his fingers when a Martha Stewart lounge chair that he bought from Kmart collapsed and cut off bit of his livelihood. No way man.  First of all you're a douche for suing Kmart.  Thats like picking on the nerdy kid at school.  You won't pick on Target because they're about the same size as you, and there's no way you'll pick on that Walmart kid cause he'll kick your ass. You should know not to buy anything that you want to feel safe  in from Kmart.  I think it actually says that somewhere in the store. "Safety is out last priority"  Second, you are the biggest loser on the planet.  You are a hand model, and when times get tough you supplement your income with magic tricks!

Ok well I guess thats about all for now. Enjoy the news kids. 

 

The First

Cheers

Normally I would start out by saying thank you for taking the time to read my blog, but I won't. Most of the time I would let remind you that you didn't need to, and that all of this is much appreciated, but it isn't.  I might even call you a gem, but you're not.

I'm not trying to sound like an ass, and if by all account you're still reading, then you might just be the person I want to read my blog.  I'm hoping this is an unapologetic, unabashed, and uncensored look into how I really think.  I don't by any means think that I have any spec of enlightened wisdom beyond the normal scope of an educated kid my age, and with that in mind I decided to publicly publish my thoughts.  Just for funzies. 

I know this may all seem a bit negative, but I was hoping that by telling you everything this isn't, I can show you later on what it truly is. And by "this" I mean my blog, and by "it" I mean my thoughts, and by "truly" I mean truly.