Story #1 is about Elliot Spitzer's Prostitute apologizing to his wife.....through a nationally published magazine (People)! "She says she was stricken with the pained expression on Slida Wall Spitzer's face". She goes on to say the Spitzer was polite and businesslike when they met. 'Some guys, they want to have conversations and really get to know each other. With him, it clearly was not like that," she said, "It was more of a transaction. Strictly business."
Ok ok listen up whore. You worked as a blue chip prostitute, and now you have a conscience?! I'm not saying this is all her fault, but she was in the business of secretly wrecking families. Now she's bringing it back up again (just when most of us began to forget), and she's making it worse! Telling his wife that it was all about the sex, and that it was more like a "transaction" doesn't make it any better! It makes him look like a womanizer, impersonal, or a sex addict of some kind. It doesn't help. If for some magical miracle she has forgiven him, or they are trying to work things out, you just F***ed it all up again. Scratch that, its my blog and I'll say fucked if I want. You just fucked it up again! Listen I know that you are trying to put your whorish ways behind you, and get a job in the music career, but instead of again whoring yourself metaphorically for a publicity stunt, why don't you disappear and leave this poor family alone. Im not saying that Elliot Spitzer is a victim (even though I'm sure most politicians have strayed a little bit, and he may have been targeted for a reason), I am saying that the rest of his family is trying to cope with an unfaithful lover, an unfaithful father, and now a whore who needs some fame.
Writers note: I'm only calling her a whore because she is one. It's like calling someone's dog a bitch, it may seem mean, but really it's just precise vocabulary.
I should have just posted this link and left it at that:
http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/bestoftv/2008/11/20/issues.spitzer.dupree.cnn
'nough said.
Story #2 Japanese doctor's are using stem cells to help augment breasts.
Are you kidding!? How superficial has the world gotten. Sure China may be filled with red skinned, black hearted commies, but at least they are using stem cell research to cure people with spine injuries. Japan however is taking the time to do research on boob jobs. Wow Japan.
Story #3 Bill Maher's documentary Religulous didn't make the Oscar list.
Aha! That proves it...Hollywood is full of atheists, just like Bill said! Oh wait..then the movie would have made onto the list. So, either it didn't make it because Hollywood wanted to prove a point, or it didn't make it because it sucked. It sucked. Thanks for nothing Maher.
Story #4 Pirates!
I love this. I guess some Somalia-based pirates have been hijacking ships. Fuck ya! Now if someone calls you a pirate it's because they actually exist again, and not because music and movie companies have dubbed you a pirate if you "steal" their music. Which is a complete croc of shit because its not stealing. Listen, if someone said, "hey I have a 1953 Belair Station Wagon in perfect condition, and I normally it would cost a bunch of money for me to sell it to you, orrrrr you can just go online and make a copy of mine." What would you do? Thats right, you're a "pirate" too. Anyway, there are real pirates again! This is badass. Sure sure people are being held hostage, and maybe people are dying but nevermind that. Pirates are back, and from Somalia of all places..
Story #5 Cops Taser pallbear at his father's funeral.
This has to be the worst policing I have ever heard of. The cops show up to his father's funeral, and then taser him as he is loading the casket into the hearse. During the "scuffle" one of the cops guns fell out of the holster. These guys are classic douche bags. I don't care what the guy is guilty of, you don't arrest him at his own father's funeral, especially if he is in the middle of loading the casket into the hearse. These cops are such assholes that in front of his entire family they attacked him. You know why these guys didn't mind doing it at the funeral? My assumption, and I'll assure you this is a poor one, is that they both have two daddies. Yep, mommy left daddy for another man, and the kid grew up hating his father. After being forced to listen to The Village People, Queen, and Elton John the kid had to overcompensate for his father. He played football in highschool, was the big shit around town, and didn't want to stop being an asshole so he decided to be a cop so he can be dick his whole life. Like I said, poor assumption, but that just really pissed me off.
Story #6 Man uses sandwich to assault girlfriend
How funny is this. Every sexist sandwich joke just came rushing through my mind as I read this story. A 19-year old was arrested for hitting his girlfriend in the face with a club sandwich. She then lost control of the car and almost got into an accident. The kid was charged with Asalted Breadery. God that joke sucked.
Story #7 Woman is being threatened over 1-cent bill
A 74-year old BLIND woman is being threatened by the city unless she pays her 1 cent water bill. Are you kidding! To that woman 1 cent is an entire chocolate malt at the corner store. She can buy 5 whole candy pinwheels for one cent! If she's going to make that kind of money, her and Huck Finn are going to have to white wash every fence in town! Oh...its the year 2008? Oh...stamps cost 42 cents? The city had to mail that right? Hmm...so they just spent 42 cents, to get 1 cent. Oh plus the labor cost of mailing it, and the cost of the paper? So the city of Attleboro, Mass. is retarded? Oh ok...so Attleboro, Mass is the reason for our national deficit? Plus the woman is blind, and unless they sent in brail, and if she just so happens to know brail, she wouldn't know she owned anything. Oh ok. Fuck you Attleboro.
Story # 8 Hand model, magician sues over snipped finger.
Basically put, a guy who is a hand model lost the tip of one of his fingers when a Martha Stewart lounge chair that he bought from Kmart collapsed and cut off bit of his livelihood. No way man. First of all you're a douche for suing Kmart. Thats like picking on the nerdy kid at school. You won't pick on Target because they're about the same size as you, and there's no way you'll pick on that Walmart kid cause he'll kick your ass. You should know not to buy anything that you want to feel safe in from Kmart. I think it actually says that somewhere in the store. "Safety is out last priority" Second, you are the biggest loser on the planet. You are a hand model, and when times get tough you supplement your income with magic tricks!
Ok well I guess thats about all for now. Enjoy the news kids.
2 comments:
You should have gone on the walk. It would have mellowed you out a bit. :)
I really liked the writing and tone of your Africa/Ireland blog. Maybe you can look at that for inspiration?
haha well I guess this comes with the uncensored and unabashed territory. My africa blog was a bit more empathetic, and I guess this is more apathetic. It just so happened to be one of those mornings though, and to be fair I warned everyone.
maybe I should have gone on a walk...
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