I know I know..it's been a while, and you've been feeling down. You've felt lost...you've felt like you're without direction. Well, I make no apologies. Too bad.
I've decided to do a bit on the grammy nominations, and issue a challenge. I'm not sure what the reward will be, but if you decide to challenge me we'll make something up (shooting me in the nipples with a paintball gun, me shooting you in the nipples with a paintball gun..I dont know! I'm just going off the top of my head here people. Tattooing my name on your forehead, tattooing your own name on your forehead.) No subject is taboo, and for all you perverts out there yes, if you want to see me naked I'll do it. I'm looking for a pick 'em test, and when I get it I'll put it up.
I've also decided to write a book thanks to Lauren. She told me I should, and since my ego approves I do too. I don't have any idea what it'll be like, but by jov I'm going to do it.
Oh another bit of interesting news, I'm moving to Seattle for sure. I'm not going to tell you where exactly because I'm sure some of the same perverts who want to see me naked, will also be wanting to stalk me. I'm moving after the holidays (early January), so if you'd like to confess your undying love to me you had better do it before then.
Onto the news!!!
Story #1-Man says God ordered him to ram vehicle
I've had just about enough of this bullshit. A man in San Antonio rammed a woman on the freeway with his truck. He said God had told him she wasn't driving right, and then he proceeded to increase his speed to 100 mph, and ram her (Thats what she said ;) ) This really pisses me off. I'm tired of people using God, and insanity to explain their behavior. Listen Mr. Texas asshole you messed up! How quintessentially American this is! Blame other people, no better yet blame God. I'm not going to say this isn't possible, and I know God has been capable of many other "no way" type situations, but c'mon! I can't help thinking that this is total horseshit! This guy either fell asleep at the wheel, or was a racist. Personally I think both happened. I think that when he fell asleep he subconsciously acted out bottled up racism, but thats just what God told me. He refuses to say further, and apparently he passed a drug and alcohol test which in his case is the first test he's ever passed in his life. Jackass.
Story #2- Ohio college advisor ran prostitute raffle
Wow. I'm not really sure what is more humiliating. Raffling off a prostitute, or using craigslist to solicit the event (i.e. providing your home address for the cops to show up)? That really amazes me. Oh, and turns out the prostitute is a child sex-abuse case worker....looks like she's acting out some of those skeletons in her closet. Ok ok, I'm sorry...that wasn't supposed to be funny, and if you didn't laugh then you have a heart of gold. I laughed. My bad. I just can't believe people are this stupid! What's worse is the price per raffle ticket... $10! Yes ladies and gentlemen, this prostitute is going for a whopping $10 a ticket. Get out those bills and grab some penicillin, you'll need it! It reminds me of that age old joke, "How many people does it take to raffle off a skanky child sex-abuse worker/prostitute?
2. One guy to work for Ohio State and set up the raffle, and another dumbass to put his address on craigslist."
Story #3-Dog Frozen to sidewalk survives because of fat
Who says being morbidly obese can't help? A dog survived single digit temperatures overnight because of a layer of fat. He was stuck to the sidewalk somehow. The border collie (normally 30-45 pounds) weighed over 120lbs! Which makes me wonder if it wasn't really Husky (get it...husky. Like look at that fat kid, he's husky. Husky is also a dog breed) Im pathetic.
Story #4- Neighbor's rally to pay man's water bill
Ok, before I flip my shit let me explain the situation. An elderly man had a $3,000 water bill that he couldn't pay. His neighbor's started a drive to pay the bill and ended up generating over $4,000 for the 84 yr old man. The mans pipes froze and burst in him home while he was gone, and although no water damage was reported the water bill was huge. In a statement he said, "It tells me there are many ways we can be proud of this community." Shut up old man. I'm not going to believe his crap. Listen, I'm not trying to be insensitive, but I didn't get a dime when I got stuck with a huge bill! Why? Because I'm young? Listen you may be old but at least you get social security checks. I didn't get a damn thing. Yes, I know I'm being selfish. I'm acting like a dick, and that's just not like me. Well this struck a chord.
Ok...I've calmed down. Sorry old moldy balls man. Its not you. Its me. I'm sorry.
Douche bag of the day!!!!!!!!
This is one of my favorite sections, and today's douche bag is a good one.
A police officer gave a man and woman a ticket for using the repair lane in bumper to bumper traffic. Oh wait, she was giving birth! Ya that's right, this woman's contractions were 3 minutes apart, and her husband was rushing her to hospital. This cop stopped them, and issued a ticket to another vehicle first before attending to them. Then the bastard asked what was under her jacket. Are you freaking kidding?! I don't know if the screaming, sweat, the beginnings of "hell hath no fury" eyes didn't give it away douche bag, but this chick is about to pop. Oh, and how about her husband looking, as if possible, terrified and like he's about to angrily kick your ass at the same time. So now that you know you'll give them a police escort? No! He sat there and wrote them a ticket. What a bitch. The baby was born a few hours later, and is in good health, but unfortunately the cop is still out there douche bagging up and down the town.
Mazel Mazel
1 comment:
this is embarrassing
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